Piece of Mind

 First off Pain SUCKS!!

I have spent the majority of the last several years living with what most people would consider a “bad” headache..After so long dealing with a pain in a certain location at a certain intensity your body sort of adjusts to that pain allowing you to carry on your daily life with only a mild interruption..Its not that the pain decreases in its intensity its just that your life and mind adjust around it..Well scattered throughout the days of daily pain came other days of intense pain that disabled as well as disoriented. Thankfully those days came few and far between..Only happening once or twice a month and lasting only a day or so..

  Well those days have past and things have made a dramatic change…For the worse…The last several months the daily pain I once dealt with and tolerated without much interference in my life have vanished..In its place is a daily pain that my body has yet to adjust to. I am talking a headache that hits the pain scale at a 3-5 everyday(this is on a pain scale of 1-10) And those intense headaches that were only a once or twice a month pest to be dealt with then forgotten are now a several times a week occurrence that has TOTALLY begun to interfere with almost every aspect of my life..If asked about how the pain would register on a 1-10 pain scale I would have to say the pain CRUSHES the pain scale. I wish I could describe exactly how the pain is but there really aren’t any words that do that..I can say that its horrific and malicious..That there is NO such thing as relief when they hit..Nothing but time.I have no choice but to wait it out,sometimes that will be hours,sometimes it will be DAYS…

   I used to get online every night pretty much..Back then if my head was hurting it usually didnt make it hurt any worse for me to get on here than if I didn’t.So I would get online to talk to my net sis and get my mind off the pain. Now though my sessions on the computer are few and far between.My mind cant focus thru the pain to allow me to do anything on here..I rarely leave my home.I have become a prisoner to the pain.I am not working right now and I don’t know that I could if I found a job, I never know when my headaches will hit.I can be okay one minute and totally floored by the pain a minute later which isn’t very appealing to a prospective employer.<sigh>.. I now know why you hear of people who have committed suicide because of their inability to live pain free..I have contemplated the very thing when in the depths of my pain..That isnt an option though.I KNOW that..I have two wonderful,beautiful children who need me to be here for them..Even the shell of me thats left after the pain saps my lifeforce is better than no mom at all..

    I have been to many doctors and even specialists though no-one yet has been able to figure out a way for me to live pain free or as close to pain free as humanly possible for me.. I was diagnosed with what they called a Large calcification Mass on the right Parietal area of my brain that they think is causing pressure and the pressure in turn is causing pain..I have had others that blame it on being migraines…But as someone who has had migraines in the past I can tell you the headaches I have feel NOTHING like any migraine I have ever had..Other than the fact that strong light causes it to hurt worse as does loud noises(which I dont know of ANYONE who has a headache that noise and light doesnt bother them) there is no other common migraine symptoms..The pain is even different..I just know I wouldnt wish this on my very worst enemy..

  Well thats what my life has consisted of in the last several months.. I will write again next time I have a day where I feel good enough to get online….

I am just glad journalspace is back so I can…….

Tags: headache, life, pain